"The Rundown" and Subsequent Punishment

Last night, one of those special moments occurred. One of those moments that instantly changed the course of our planet forever, and may lead us into another ice-age, or possibly worse.

This moment is already being referred to by "those in the know" as "THE RUNDOWN."

A description of what occurred is not an easy subject to approach, as four fans died immediately after what they had seen; Marc Russo made in his underwear, and LF Kurt Aschermann screamed emphatically "SOMEONE JUST TAG HER SO WE CAN GO BACK TO THE DUGOUT" before sprinting hysterically into the unknown. In order to make this particular occurrence easier to understand, take a look at the photo below:

(Artists Rendering by Gregory Foo)

That artist's rendering is the best explanation you are going to get as a fan or player. To describe it in words, 3B Mandi Bearden ran down the third base line towards home but was unsuccessful in catching the opposing runner. Bearden tossed the ball to catcher Lauren Johnston, and after re-enacting the event based on media coverage, scientists have determined that when Johnston caught the ball her glove was 3 inches from the opposing players chest. However, instead of reach out ever so slightly to tag the player "out" and send us all on our jolly way, Johnston just stood there, did not attempt to move her lower body in any way, and cocked the ball in the air as to say "I'm ready to throw it!" All of this while watching the player retreat safely to third and inexplicably leading to the premature passing of four stunned Meatballer fans in the stands.

"My mom didn't deserve to go that way" - Little Bobby O'Hare

After conferring with the board, it has been decided that Johnston will be suspended for the remainder of the season, at which time she will be dishonorably discharged and ultimately put down.

We do not thank Lauren Johnston for her time or service, we only wish she leave immediately and without legal action.

- Beat Writer Orville Foo