Player of the Game: Sarah "RBI Machine" Kovacik
Fat Person of the Game: Meghann Quirk
Error in Judgment by Coach of the Game: Rainbow in Left Field
Defensive Play(s) of the Game: Coach (You know it.)
Biggest Loser: Lauren "Rhea Perlman" Johnston-Tolly
Best Looking in Meatballer Jersey of Game: Holly "Im bringing girls socks for coach next week" Hutson
Beer of the Game: Miller Lite
Best Beer Filler/Refiller: Jen Pardue
Biggest Redneck: Jon Scott
Best Timed Speed from First to Second - Steven "Black Hole" Christensen
RECAP
Apparently the Meatballer squad needs to take up beer drinking on game days. After years of ineptitude against their arch-nemesis Supercranks, the Meatballers were looking to finally pull off a W that was not aided by sexual favors to the other team.
The Meatballers took a new approach to their woes. The plan was as follows: Drink 25 beers amongst 6 Meatballers. Have your 3rd baseman wear as little clothing as possible pre-game. Purchase more beer to bring to game. Reek of sweated alcohol.
Well, the plan didnt start out so well. The Meatballers were down to their nemesis 11-2 before you could say "knee high socks are gay." Lets recap all of the blunders that took place in order for Exide to be able to take such an early lead:
- Rainbow drops fly ball.
- Rainbow drops another fly ball.
- Coach drops 2 fly balls.
- Quirk falls down, but bounces off of boobs and remains in stable condition.
- Steven realizes he dropped a nugget in his pants while walking/trotting between first and second base and is thrown out.
- Coach throws ball over 1st base into innocent spectator (condition of spectator unknown)
- Rainbow begins talking to himself in Left Field.
What a combination. Seemed almost guaranteed that the Meatballers new strategy had backfired, and rumblings of firing the coach/GM were being whispered in the crowd.
Somehow, though, down 11-6 in the bottom of the 7th, the Meatballers came back. Aided by an obese opposing pitcher who couldnt hit the strike zone, the Meatballers loaded the bases with noone out. A hit, a walk, and who knew - the Meatballers had done it again. A 1 run walk-off win.
Season Summary: 4 wins. 4 Run Differential. 7 Soiled Undergarments. 5 Fat People. 1 Half Naked Third Baseman.
More next week.
"Supporting Kurt Aschermann in his fight against evil Walrus invasion since 1967"
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Game Preview: 6/21 vs. Exide Supercranks
After a blazing 3-0 start, the Meatballers are being referred to as the "firecrotchs" of this league (unnamed source). With the team hitting on all three cylinders, youngster Steven "My pubes are reddish-blond" Christensen piped in at a team meeting early Friday morning.
"Anyone know where the toilet is?" said the youngster. Word around the watermelon is that Christensen had a triple baconator Thursday evening, but these reports have not been confirmed.
In the Exide Supercranks, the Meatballers will play their 3 year nemesis, against whom they have a record of 0-47-1 (the tie is still disputed between the squads as former Meatballer Shannon Harcourt had to have sex with half of the Supercranks to achieve this feat.) Coach/Fat GM Marc Russo, however, believes this time may be different.
"We've got some quality youngsters on this squad now. With Pardue and Quirk there in the infield, we may have the makings of an all star lineup. That and the fact that Johnston is no longer behind the plate and rarely getting to touch the ball all add up to an equation that could equal victory. Not sure though. That Russo kid really stinks."
In other news, GM Meatball has revealed that upper management is still unhappy with the contract status of Brad "Hairy Asscrack" Kovacik.
"We don't like the guy," said GM Russo, "and quite frankly, are exploring trade rumors with anyone that will come calling." It is believed that Russo has already received one trade offer from, of all teams, the Supercranks - for a half eaten bag of pistachios and a Dr. Pepper.
"I am not going to comment on that at this time," said Russo. Either way, it seems as if Kovacik and his overinflated contract could be on their way out. A cheaper, less hairy option has made himself available in the form of one Kurt Aschermann (Oscar). Although Aschermann tends to strike out and fall down on average 1.3 times per game, management is high on his half gray, half black facial hair.
"Kid can grow a goutee," said Russo. Where this goes, noone knows, but Aschermann will be filling in this coming Monday - and believe this reporter when he says a solid performance out of that youngster could land him a permanent callup from Triple A and mean the end of Kovacik and his stinkyness.
Final Score Prediction: Meatballers 10, Supercranks 9.
Over/Under on Walks by Christensen: 4
Please contact Coach for any bets to be placed on the over/under.
"Anyone know where the toilet is?" said the youngster. Word around the watermelon is that Christensen had a triple baconator Thursday evening, but these reports have not been confirmed.
In the Exide Supercranks, the Meatballers will play their 3 year nemesis, against whom they have a record of 0-47-1 (the tie is still disputed between the squads as former Meatballer Shannon Harcourt had to have sex with half of the Supercranks to achieve this feat.) Coach/Fat GM Marc Russo, however, believes this time may be different.
"We've got some quality youngsters on this squad now. With Pardue and Quirk there in the infield, we may have the makings of an all star lineup. That and the fact that Johnston is no longer behind the plate and rarely getting to touch the ball all add up to an equation that could equal victory. Not sure though. That Russo kid really stinks."
In other news, GM Meatball has revealed that upper management is still unhappy with the contract status of Brad "Hairy Asscrack" Kovacik.
"We don't like the guy," said GM Russo, "and quite frankly, are exploring trade rumors with anyone that will come calling." It is believed that Russo has already received one trade offer from, of all teams, the Supercranks - for a half eaten bag of pistachios and a Dr. Pepper.
"I am not going to comment on that at this time," said Russo. Either way, it seems as if Kovacik and his overinflated contract could be on their way out. A cheaper, less hairy option has made himself available in the form of one Kurt Aschermann (Oscar). Although Aschermann tends to strike out and fall down on average 1.3 times per game, management is high on his half gray, half black facial hair.
"Kid can grow a goutee," said Russo. Where this goes, noone knows, but Aschermann will be filling in this coming Monday - and believe this reporter when he says a solid performance out of that youngster could land him a permanent callup from Triple A and mean the end of Kovacik and his stinkyness.
Final Score Prediction: Meatballers 10, Supercranks 9.
Over/Under on Walks by Christensen: 4
Please contact Coach for any bets to be placed on the over/under.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Meatballer Squad Moves to 3-0
June 15, 2010
Tater, GA - It was a steamy night for a doubleheader in Tater, GA, and the Meatballers didnt know if they had what it took.
"I don't have what it takes," said Captain Meatball, "and Im pretty certain the rest of the squad really stinks too."
Despite Coach's plea, the games had to be played. And played they were. Steven "I still can't find my penis" Christensen was on his A game from the start, throwing slurve after slider and baffling opposing batters in Game 1. When it came to fielding, Christensen was also his usual self, having issues bending his round physique to reach pedestrian ground balls. "I stink" said Christensen after a scolding by team Coach/GM/Sweaty Ass Police Officer Meatball. (Sweat Pants McGee, opposing team player, spotted with sweaty ass and possible lack of undergarments - 7:12 PM. Confirmed by 3B Meg Quirkberg.)
The game went on, despite soggy asses and fat people abound. And when it came down to the end, the Meatballers found it in them to pull out a victory. The Meatballers were 2-0, and destined for greatness. Or mediocrity. Not sure.
Game two came along as sure as a shart in 1B Brad Kovacik's tightie whities (The shart came as well - spotted by Russo - 7:34 PM). And once again, Steven "I grow a beard because my face is chubby" Christensen was on his game. This youngster was on a mission, and would not be stopped on this day.
"I won't be stopped." said Christensen.
Then Meatballers started playing like Meatballers of yesteryear. Balls in the outfield were dropped. SS Marc Russo messed his pants, to the delight of many female spectators. Team Redneck Jon Scott pulled a 6 inch knife on an opposing player. The only good thing that could be said was that new Meatballers Jen and Holly were holding their own, not realizing that Meatballers are not good and must perform in this manner.
Holly's sock shot someone. Megs socks continued to have oddly colored stripes. Lauren "Don Cheadle" Tolley-Johnston continued to roam the outfield like a retarded mule. Sarah Kovacik took a cue from her husband, and sharted. Phillip threw a ball into the field next door. Things were looking down.
But this offense was too hot to stop. Youngsters Christensen and Korn were on fire, and SS Old Man was continued to hit ground balls through the opposing teams legs. All of a sudden, the Meatballers were on top 10-5. Once again, could it happen? Could the Meatballers go to 3-0.
No.
The lead was relinquished, and the Meatballers went into the bottom of the final inning down 11-10. Walks came, hits came, and somehow, this feisty, unattractive stinky-assed crew came out on top. 3-0 for the first time in squad history.
It is important to note that team correspondent/strike out falling down guy Oscar Rainbow was nowhere to be seen. It is believed he was stuck in a cardboard box under a bridge around 14th street. More to come on this.
- AP
Tater, GA - It was a steamy night for a doubleheader in Tater, GA, and the Meatballers didnt know if they had what it took.
"I don't have what it takes," said Captain Meatball, "and Im pretty certain the rest of the squad really stinks too."
Despite Coach's plea, the games had to be played. And played they were. Steven "I still can't find my penis" Christensen was on his A game from the start, throwing slurve after slider and baffling opposing batters in Game 1. When it came to fielding, Christensen was also his usual self, having issues bending his round physique to reach pedestrian ground balls. "I stink" said Christensen after a scolding by team Coach/GM/Sweaty Ass Police Officer Meatball. (Sweat Pants McGee, opposing team player, spotted with sweaty ass and possible lack of undergarments - 7:12 PM. Confirmed by 3B Meg Quirkberg.)
The game went on, despite soggy asses and fat people abound. And when it came down to the end, the Meatballers found it in them to pull out a victory. The Meatballers were 2-0, and destined for greatness. Or mediocrity. Not sure.
Game two came along as sure as a shart in 1B Brad Kovacik's tightie whities (The shart came as well - spotted by Russo - 7:34 PM). And once again, Steven "I grow a beard because my face is chubby" Christensen was on his game. This youngster was on a mission, and would not be stopped on this day.
"I won't be stopped." said Christensen.
Then Meatballers started playing like Meatballers of yesteryear. Balls in the outfield were dropped. SS Marc Russo messed his pants, to the delight of many female spectators. Team Redneck Jon Scott pulled a 6 inch knife on an opposing player. The only good thing that could be said was that new Meatballers Jen and Holly were holding their own, not realizing that Meatballers are not good and must perform in this manner.
Holly's sock shot someone. Megs socks continued to have oddly colored stripes. Lauren "Don Cheadle" Tolley-Johnston continued to roam the outfield like a retarded mule. Sarah Kovacik took a cue from her husband, and sharted. Phillip threw a ball into the field next door. Things were looking down.
But this offense was too hot to stop. Youngsters Christensen and Korn were on fire, and SS Old Man was continued to hit ground balls through the opposing teams legs. All of a sudden, the Meatballers were on top 10-5. Once again, could it happen? Could the Meatballers go to 3-0.
No.
The lead was relinquished, and the Meatballers went into the bottom of the final inning down 11-10. Walks came, hits came, and somehow, this feisty, unattractive stinky-assed crew came out on top. 3-0 for the first time in squad history.
It is important to note that team correspondent/strike out falling down guy Oscar Rainbow was nowhere to be seen. It is believed he was stuck in a cardboard box under a bridge around 14th street. More to come on this.
- AP
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