New team forming

I'm starting a new team to compete with the Meatballers. Here are some of the advantages to being on my team, tentatively called Volleyball Team:

1. Everyone can pitch. And by that I mean everyone can pitch at the same time. Imagine 12 people pitching at once. The batter won't know what to do and we'll be unstoppable.
2. You can be in more than one spot in the batting order. Want to bat 1st and 6th, or feel like hitting 3rd, 8th and 10th? Done. With hundreds of fake names, hats and mustaches at my disposal, no one will know what's going on.
3. Pregame hotdogs are on me, literally. I'll have hot dogs glued to my shirt and pants before each game.


"It's time to join a softball team that works."

- Future pitcher/clean up hitter Lauren Johnston


I look forward to seeing you at our first practice, February 7 on Marc Russo's front lawn.


- Oscar Rainbow

Latest Stats and Award Predictions, Plus Game Awards for Yesterday

"The Sweaty Cheetah" Steven C. is still in the lead in most categories, but Matt "Supercrotch" Kovacik closed the gap after last evenings performance that critics are calling "okay."

Stats (Click for enlarged view)

Awards from yesterday's historic victory over Exide:

First hit since August, 1933 - Lauren "Don Cheadle" Johnston, C. (as folklore tells the story, Johnston murdered opposing second baseman Larry Guff after the hit, citing economical strain.)

Pick of the day: Skip Riso, SS. Ball hit 4000 MPH ends up in Riso's glove, left arm subsequently removed after game. 

Predicted groundout of the day: The Sweaty Cheetah. Accurately predicted Rainbow's groundout to first after being up 3-1 in the count. Won a sausage and pepper sandwich for his efforts.

Hit of the millenium: Matt "Crackhead" Kovacik with a roped triple. Kovacik spotted cleaning shart from his undergarments shortly after arriving at third base. (Alpharetta Tribune)

Best throw into center field: Sweaty Cheetah. Throw struck wild ostrich, Hank. Deceased.

Co-MVPs: Jon Scott and Matt Kovacik - each garnering 4 votes for their efforts.

Arnie the Hippo: N/A

Updated Season MVP Tally (out of 10 votes):

Steven The Sweaty Cheetah:  6 votes
Mandi: 2 votes
Crackhead: 1 vote
Johnston: -15 votes
Rainbow: 1/4 vote, complimentary of the local Taco Mac establishment
Jon Scott: .0008 vote
Arnie the Hippo: 5 votes

Post game notes: Mayor Reed of Atlanta, after phoning GM Skip Riso after the game, has granted a parcel of land in remote Cumming for the Meatballer's new stadium, Meatballer Stadium at Foofah Grounds, to be built and ready for start of next season. Stadium to be constructed on top of cemetary where original founding Meatballer, Bernie Foofah, was laid to rest in late 1951. Foofah'a remains to be exhumed and placed in the left field bleacher as a fan attraction. Foofah's widow, Beatrice, will throw first pitch at pre-season exhibition against Atlanta Braves to be held as inaugural game at Foofah Grounds. Tickets go on sale in February - don't miss it! Free hot dogs for the "kids."

- Meatballer Beat Writer Orville Foo

Updated Stats and Award Predictions

Steven "Uncle Chubby" Christensen has the clear lead for the batting title.

(click for larger view)

Awards (As voted upon by 10 associated press writers)

MVP - Lauren Joh......hahahahaha. Steven "Don't call me obese" Christensen - 4 votes.
            Mandi - 3 votes
            Matt - 3 votes
            Larry - 1 vote
            Oscar - -14 votes

Odor - Steven - 10 votes plus one write-in ballot from President Obama

Fat - Steven - 10 votes plus 3 votes from the UMAA (United Mule Association of America)

Most Likely to End Season in Insane Asylum - Oscar - 9 votes
                                                                               Marc - 1 vote

Breast Size - Lauren - 10 votes plus 1 skid-marked pair of underwear 

Foreskin - Steven - 10 votes plus a bag of smegma

Somersault - Oscar - 10 votes

Most Likely to Attempt Aardvark Fornication - Jon - 11 votes

Most Likely to Swing Bat, Miss Ball, and Strike Umpire in Head Resulting in Death - Oscar - 10 votes

"The Rundown" and Subsequent Punishment

Last night, one of those special moments occurred. One of those moments that instantly changed the course of our planet forever, and may lead us into another ice-age, or possibly worse.

This moment is already being referred to by "those in the know" as "THE RUNDOWN."

A description of what occurred is not an easy subject to approach, as four fans died immediately after what they had seen; Marc Russo made in his underwear, and LF Kurt Aschermann screamed emphatically "SOMEONE JUST TAG HER SO WE CAN GO BACK TO THE DUGOUT" before sprinting hysterically into the unknown. In order to make this particular occurrence easier to understand, take a look at the photo below:

(Artists Rendering by Gregory Foo)

That artist's rendering is the best explanation you are going to get as a fan or player. To describe it in words, 3B Mandi Bearden ran down the third base line towards home but was unsuccessful in catching the opposing runner. Bearden tossed the ball to catcher Lauren Johnston, and after re-enacting the event based on media coverage, scientists have determined that when Johnston caught the ball her glove was 3 inches from the opposing players chest. However, instead of reach out ever so slightly to tag the player "out" and send us all on our jolly way, Johnston just stood there, did not attempt to move her lower body in any way, and cocked the ball in the air as to say "I'm ready to throw it!" All of this while watching the player retreat safely to third and inexplicably leading to the premature passing of four stunned Meatballer fans in the stands.

"My mom didn't deserve to go that way" - Little Bobby O'Hare

After conferring with the board, it has been decided that Johnston will be suspended for the remainder of the season, at which time she will be dishonorably discharged and ultimately put down.

We do not thank Lauren Johnston for her time or service, we only wish she leave immediately and without legal action.

- Beat Writer Orville Foo

Pregame message, 9/24/12

Meatballers, and also Steven -

1. Pregame walnuts will be provided. Limit 40 per person.
2. Professor Horace Bly is expected to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. Let's try to remember Mr. Bly was in the 1970s a respected member of society and that a person shouldn't be condemned for life for topless highway off-ramp juggling. Let's all act like adults, please.
3. Jon Scott's ankle socks will be auctioned off in the parking lot between games. The bidding starts at five peanut shells.
4. The game one opposing pitcher's name is going to be J.J. Pock whether we learn his real name or not.
5. I need at least one opposite field double.


thanks for your time and your efforts and the gas I siphoned from each of your cars.


- E. Shermer

Foo Riots, Escapes

Meatballer enthusiast Orville Foo, the "first true Meatballer season ticket holder," started rioting during the teams 9-8 defeat on Monday evening to Operation Crossfit.

Foo

 

Foo, originally from Australia, began seeming out of sorts after Kurt Aschermann's 4th ground out to the pitcher. After screaming obscenities at Aschermann, he ripped off his vintage number 81 Aschermann replica jersey and tossed it into the crowd. He then ran through the fence and towards left field, screaming and waving his arms in the air maniacally. Aschermann reacted quickly, climbing a lamp pole in the outfield and waiting out the attack. After trying to shake Aschermann down, Foo saw the authorities approaching and retreated into the woods. 

Whether or not Foo will be in attendance at the next game is up in the air at this point. 

The Throw: A Retrospective

Some are calling it "the throw that cured several previously-fatal diseases"; some are calling it Maurice Ribinawitz.

Some aren't returning phone calls.

But there's one thing the Meatballers softball team can all agree on: Jon Scott's throw home in the second game of Monday's doubleheader was the play of the century.

(Century still to be determined).

Artist's rendering by Julio Bly, May, 1983

Meatballers Lose 2; Stats and MVP Ballot Updated

Game 1: Loss to Operation Crossfit 9-8

Notes: Aschermann hits 4 balls a combined 8 feet, attacks second base umpire for "glaring" at him in LF, Russo strikes out swinging, starts screaming and running towards the parking lot (missing). Christensen "makes" on the mound, causing a 46 minute clean-up delay - receives a league warning. Lauren stinks.

Game 2: Loss to Lexis Nexis 6-4

Notes: Aschermann hits 3 balls a combined 14 feet, proclaims himself "leader of the Earth" and sprints into the woods. Scott makes the catch of the millenium at first. Christensen throws the ball into right field, then removes his shirt and does his patented "hippo jig."

Updated MVP Ballot:
(based on votes of 14 associated press writers)

Bearden, Mandi: 11 Votes
Stachler, Katie: 2 Votes
Christensen, Steven: 2 Votes
Russo, Marc: 1/2 Vote
Moses, Racheal: 1/2 Vote
Aschermann, Kurt: -2 Votes

Updated Stats:
(click for larger view)

Meatballers Website Relaunch

All,

This is Coach Meatsack. This site, while once a vital cog in American Society, had fallen on hard times. No more. This site will be back in action with occasional game recaps, nonsense from left fielder Oscar Rainbow, and even statistics. To prove this, I am supplying game one statistics below. Please feel free to send in any comments or story ideas you may have so that the "board" can convene and consider your requests.

(click on photos for larger view)

 - Staff Beat Writer Coach Meatsack

Letter to the Meatballers

First of all, I'd like to say thank you for the opportunity to play for your organization. I heard you guys almost won once in the 80s, and I'd like to be a part of a 2012 game that we almost win.

Secondly, I think we should all take some time to say goodbye to Greg, who wouldn't have wanted to go any other way, according to his autobiography I Wouldn't Want To Go Any Other Way (Get Me Inside A Hippo's Mouth).

Couple things I'd like to get out of the way:

1. I've rejected general manager/manager/potato advocate Mark Russo's contract offer of 4-years, $.08, and instead accepted a pile of gravel/month. I hope there isn't any jealously in the dugout because of my contract status. I'm just here to help the team begin ballgames.
2. Keep that Christensen youngster away from me. We don't see ear-to-ear because of a violent incident in '08, and I'd like to have a separate dressing room in the clubhouse just so there aren't any problems. Plus, he soiled his dungarees in 2004 and it single-handedly cost Canada the bronze medal. I, and the people of the province of British Columbia have, and never will, forgive him for that.
3. The game-ending triple play that manager Ruso "referred to" in his "press release" sent my "life" "spiraling" out of control. Just two months after the game, I married a piece of living room furniture, Ben Kong, but we bitterly divorced later in the year after an argument over a carpet sample. My other marriages/divorces were all fabricated to further my juggling career. I don't wish to speak any more on the issue.
4. I would like to patrol left field for your squadron, though I am able to pitch if needed. In my living room the other night, I tossed nine scoreless innings, using a variety of pitches, including my famous Arm Pit pitch.
5. Final thoughts on the roster:

* J. Scott - Has "morning odor"
* Louise Russo - After unimpressive career on the field, has officially been named pre-game watermelon tosser. I think she's finally where she belongs in the organization: behind the scenes and hidden from the sun.
* What's-his-name - Opinion coming, Winter, 2012

Finally, I'd like you all to welcome my personal assistant, Henrick, a canary who lives in my hair.


thank you again, and I look forward to our season opener, and then making up and excuse and missing our second game.

- O. Rainbow

Meatballers 12, Exide 11: All New Recap Format

Player of the Game: Sarah "RBI Machine" Kovacik

Fat Person of the Game: Meghann Quirk

Error in Judgment by Coach of the Game: Rainbow in Left Field

Defensive Play(s) of the Game: Coach (You know it.)

Biggest Loser: Lauren "Rhea Perlman" Johnston-Tolly

Best Looking in Meatballer Jersey of Game: Holly "Im bringing girls socks for coach next week" Hutson

Beer of the Game: Miller Lite

Best Beer Filler/Refiller: Jen Pardue

Biggest Redneck: Jon Scott

Best Timed Speed from First to Second - Steven "Black Hole" Christensen

RECAP

Apparently the Meatballer squad needs to take up beer drinking on game days. After years of ineptitude against their arch-nemesis Supercranks, the Meatballers were looking to finally pull off a W that was not aided by sexual favors to the other team.

The Meatballers took a new approach to their woes. The plan was as follows: Drink 25 beers amongst 6 Meatballers. Have your 3rd baseman wear as little clothing as possible pre-game. Purchase more beer to bring to game. Reek of sweated alcohol.

Well, the plan didnt start out so well. The Meatballers were down to their nemesis 11-2 before you could say "knee high socks are gay." Lets recap all of the blunders that took place in order for Exide to be able to take such an early lead:

- Rainbow drops fly ball.
- Rainbow drops another fly ball.
- Coach drops 2 fly balls.
- Quirk falls down, but bounces off of boobs and remains in stable condition.
- Steven realizes he dropped a nugget in his pants while walking/trotting between first and second base and is thrown out.
- Coach throws ball over 1st base into innocent spectator (condition of spectator unknown)
- Rainbow begins talking to himself in Left Field.

What a combination. Seemed almost guaranteed that the Meatballers new strategy had backfired, and rumblings of firing the coach/GM were being whispered in the crowd.

Somehow, though, down 11-6 in the bottom of the 7th, the Meatballers came back. Aided by an obese opposing pitcher who couldnt hit the strike zone, the Meatballers loaded the bases with noone out. A hit, a walk, and who knew - the Meatballers had done it again. A 1 run walk-off win.

Season Summary: 4 wins. 4 Run Differential. 7 Soiled Undergarments. 5 Fat People. 1 Half Naked Third Baseman.

More next week.

Game Preview: 6/21 vs. Exide Supercranks

After a blazing 3-0 start, the Meatballers are being referred to as the "firecrotchs" of this league (unnamed source). With the team hitting on all three cylinders, youngster Steven "My pubes are reddish-blond" Christensen piped in at a team meeting early Friday morning.

"Anyone know where the toilet is?" said the youngster. Word around the watermelon is that Christensen had a triple baconator Thursday evening, but these reports have not been confirmed.

In the Exide Supercranks, the Meatballers will play their 3 year nemesis, against whom they have a record of 0-47-1 (the tie is still disputed between the squads as former Meatballer Shannon Harcourt had to have sex with half of the Supercranks to achieve this feat.) Coach/Fat GM Marc Russo, however, believes this time may be different.

"We've got some quality youngsters on this squad now. With Pardue and Quirk there in the infield, we may have the makings of an all star lineup. That and the fact that Johnston is no longer behind the plate and rarely getting to touch the ball all add up to an equation that could equal victory. Not sure though. That Russo kid really stinks."

In other news, GM Meatball has revealed that upper management is still unhappy with the contract status of Brad "Hairy Asscrack" Kovacik.

"We don't like the guy," said GM Russo, "and quite frankly, are exploring trade rumors with anyone that will come calling." It is believed that Russo has already received one trade offer from, of all teams, the Supercranks - for a half eaten bag of pistachios and a Dr. Pepper.

"I am not going to comment on that at this time," said Russo. Either way, it seems as if Kovacik and his overinflated contract could be on their way out. A cheaper, less hairy option has made himself available in the form of one Kurt Aschermann (Oscar). Although Aschermann tends to strike out and fall down on average 1.3 times per game, management is high on his half gray, half black facial hair.

"Kid can grow a goutee," said Russo. Where this goes, noone knows, but Aschermann will be filling in this coming Monday - and believe this reporter when he says a solid performance out of that youngster could land him a permanent callup from Triple A and mean the end of Kovacik and his stinkyness.

Final Score Prediction: Meatballers 10, Supercranks 9.

Over/Under on Walks by Christensen: 4

Please contact Coach for any bets to be placed on the over/under.

Meatballer Squad Moves to 3-0

June 15, 2010

Tater, GA - It was a steamy night for a doubleheader in Tater, GA, and the Meatballers didnt know if they had what it took.

"I don't have what it takes," said Captain Meatball, "and Im pretty certain the rest of the squad really stinks too."

Despite Coach's plea, the games had to be played. And played they were. Steven "I still can't find my penis" Christensen was on his A game from the start, throwing slurve after slider and baffling opposing batters in Game 1. When it came to fielding, Christensen was also his usual self, having issues bending his round physique to reach pedestrian ground balls. "I stink" said Christensen after a scolding by team Coach/GM/Sweaty Ass Police Officer Meatball. (Sweat Pants McGee, opposing team player, spotted with sweaty ass and possible lack of undergarments - 7:12 PM. Confirmed by 3B Meg Quirkberg.)

The game went on, despite soggy asses and fat people abound. And when it came down to the end, the Meatballers found it in them to pull out a victory. The Meatballers were 2-0, and destined for greatness. Or mediocrity. Not sure.

Game two came along as sure as a shart in 1B Brad Kovacik's tightie whities (The shart came as well - spotted by Russo - 7:34 PM). And once again, Steven "I grow a beard because my face is chubby" Christensen was on his game. This youngster was on a mission, and would not be stopped on this day.

"I won't be stopped." said Christensen.

Then Meatballers started playing like Meatballers of yesteryear. Balls in the outfield were dropped. SS Marc Russo messed his pants, to the delight of many female spectators. Team Redneck Jon Scott pulled a 6 inch knife on an opposing player. The only good thing that could be said was that new Meatballers Jen and Holly were holding their own, not realizing that Meatballers are not good and must perform in this manner.

Holly's sock shot someone. Megs socks continued to have oddly colored stripes. Lauren "Don Cheadle" Tolley-Johnston continued to roam the outfield like a retarded mule. Sarah Kovacik took a cue from her husband, and sharted. Phillip threw a ball into the field next door. Things were looking down.

But this offense was too hot to stop. Youngsters Christensen and Korn were on fire, and SS Old Man was continued to hit ground balls through the opposing teams legs. All of a sudden, the Meatballers were on top 10-5. Once again, could it happen? Could the Meatballers go to 3-0.

No.

The lead was relinquished, and the Meatballers went into the bottom of the final inning down 11-10. Walks came, hits came, and somehow, this feisty, unattractive stinky-assed crew came out on top. 3-0 for the first time in squad history.

It is important to note that team correspondent/strike out falling down guy Oscar Rainbow was nowhere to be seen. It is believed he was stuck in a cardboard box under a bridge around 14th street. More to come on this.

- AP

Coach Posts Preseason Awards For Summer '10 Squad

All,

Its that time of year again. The day everyone has been waiting for the entire offseason.

Its time for the Preseason Awards - Summer 2010.

Drum roll please. Ok no drum roll.

Here they are, as voted on by a group of peers (me):

Hitting Champion: Steven "Cant see my wee-wee" Christensen
Gold Glove Award: Meatball (Of Course.)
Most balls thrown in the dirt: TIE - Marc and Meghann
Most walks/hit batsmen: Steven "Dont call my fluffy" Christensen
Roundest Rear End: Shannon Harcourt (Congrats- repeat winner)
Most Likely to @#$$ themselves rounding first - Lauren "Don Cheadle" Johnston
Fattest: Louise Russo
Best Right Field Patrol: Sarah "I like big hairy dudes who fart alot and have swampass" Kovacik
Most likely to be cut: Lauren Johnston
Contract most likely not renewed: Brad "BJ" Kovacik
Team Redneck: Jon Scott (repeat winner)
People most likely to think Im insane: Holly/Jen
Most likely to have intercourse with person of same sex: Steven Christensen
Baldest: Phillip Korn

There may be more preseason awards, but thats all that Ive voted on for now.

Godspeed, people.

- Coach