I'm starting a new team to compete with the Meatballers. Here are some
of the advantages to being on my team, tentatively called Volleyball
Team:
1. Everyone can pitch. And by that I mean everyone can pitch at the same time. Imagine 12 people pitching at once. The batter won't know what to do and we'll be unstoppable.
2. You can be in more than one spot in the batting order. Want to bat
1st and 6th, or feel like hitting 3rd, 8th and 10th? Done. With hundreds
of fake names, hats and mustaches at my disposal, no one will know
what's going on.
3. Pregame hotdogs are on me, literally. I'll have hot dogs glued to my shirt and pants before each game.
"It's time to join a softball team that works."
- Future pitcher/clean up hitter Lauren Johnston
I look forward to seeing you at our first practice, February 7 on Marc Russo's front lawn.
- Oscar Rainbow
"Supporting Kurt Aschermann in his fight against evil Walrus invasion since 1967"
Showing posts with label Lauren Johnston. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lauren Johnston. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
"The Rundown" and Subsequent Punishment
Last night, one of those special moments occurred. One of those moments that instantly changed the course of our planet forever, and may lead us into another ice-age, or possibly worse.
This moment is already being referred to by "those in the know" as "THE RUNDOWN."
A description of what occurred is not an easy subject to approach, as four fans died immediately after what they had seen; Marc Russo made in his underwear, and LF Kurt Aschermann screamed emphatically "SOMEONE JUST TAG HER SO WE CAN GO BACK TO THE DUGOUT" before sprinting hysterically into the unknown. In order to make this particular occurrence easier to understand, take a look at the photo below:
That artist's rendering is the best explanation you are going to get as a fan or player. To describe it in words, 3B Mandi Bearden ran down the third base line towards home but was unsuccessful in catching the opposing runner. Bearden tossed the ball to catcher Lauren Johnston, and after re-enacting the event based on media coverage, scientists have determined that when Johnston caught the ball her glove was 3 inches from the opposing players chest. However, instead of reach out ever so slightly to tag the player "out" and send us all on our jolly way, Johnston just stood there, did not attempt to move her lower body in any way, and cocked the ball in the air as to say "I'm ready to throw it!" All of this while watching the player retreat safely to third and inexplicably leading to the premature passing of four stunned Meatballer fans in the stands.
"My mom didn't deserve to go that way" - Little Bobby O'Hare
After conferring with the board, it has been decided that Johnston will be suspended for the remainder of the season, at which time she will be dishonorably discharged and ultimately put down.
We do not thank Lauren Johnston for her time or service, we only wish she leave immediately and without legal action.
- Beat Writer Orville Foo
This moment is already being referred to by "those in the know" as "THE RUNDOWN."
A description of what occurred is not an easy subject to approach, as four fans died immediately after what they had seen; Marc Russo made in his underwear, and LF Kurt Aschermann screamed emphatically "SOMEONE JUST TAG HER SO WE CAN GO BACK TO THE DUGOUT" before sprinting hysterically into the unknown. In order to make this particular occurrence easier to understand, take a look at the photo below:
(Artists Rendering by Gregory Foo)
That artist's rendering is the best explanation you are going to get as a fan or player. To describe it in words, 3B Mandi Bearden ran down the third base line towards home but was unsuccessful in catching the opposing runner. Bearden tossed the ball to catcher Lauren Johnston, and after re-enacting the event based on media coverage, scientists have determined that when Johnston caught the ball her glove was 3 inches from the opposing players chest. However, instead of reach out ever so slightly to tag the player "out" and send us all on our jolly way, Johnston just stood there, did not attempt to move her lower body in any way, and cocked the ball in the air as to say "I'm ready to throw it!" All of this while watching the player retreat safely to third and inexplicably leading to the premature passing of four stunned Meatballer fans in the stands.
"My mom didn't deserve to go that way" - Little Bobby O'Hare
After conferring with the board, it has been decided that Johnston will be suspended for the remainder of the season, at which time she will be dishonorably discharged and ultimately put down.
We do not thank Lauren Johnston for her time or service, we only wish she leave immediately and without legal action.
- Beat Writer Orville Foo
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