Latest Stats and Award Predictions, Plus Game Awards for Yesterday

"The Sweaty Cheetah" Steven C. is still in the lead in most categories, but Matt "Supercrotch" Kovacik closed the gap after last evenings performance that critics are calling "okay."

Stats (Click for enlarged view)

Awards from yesterday's historic victory over Exide:

First hit since August, 1933 - Lauren "Don Cheadle" Johnston, C. (as folklore tells the story, Johnston murdered opposing second baseman Larry Guff after the hit, citing economical strain.)

Pick of the day: Skip Riso, SS. Ball hit 4000 MPH ends up in Riso's glove, left arm subsequently removed after game. 

Predicted groundout of the day: The Sweaty Cheetah. Accurately predicted Rainbow's groundout to first after being up 3-1 in the count. Won a sausage and pepper sandwich for his efforts.

Hit of the millenium: Matt "Crackhead" Kovacik with a roped triple. Kovacik spotted cleaning shart from his undergarments shortly after arriving at third base. (Alpharetta Tribune)

Best throw into center field: Sweaty Cheetah. Throw struck wild ostrich, Hank. Deceased.

Co-MVPs: Jon Scott and Matt Kovacik - each garnering 4 votes for their efforts.

Arnie the Hippo: N/A

Updated Season MVP Tally (out of 10 votes):

Steven The Sweaty Cheetah:  6 votes
Mandi: 2 votes
Crackhead: 1 vote
Johnston: -15 votes
Rainbow: 1/4 vote, complimentary of the local Taco Mac establishment
Jon Scott: .0008 vote
Arnie the Hippo: 5 votes

Post game notes: Mayor Reed of Atlanta, after phoning GM Skip Riso after the game, has granted a parcel of land in remote Cumming for the Meatballer's new stadium, Meatballer Stadium at Foofah Grounds, to be built and ready for start of next season. Stadium to be constructed on top of cemetary where original founding Meatballer, Bernie Foofah, was laid to rest in late 1951. Foofah'a remains to be exhumed and placed in the left field bleacher as a fan attraction. Foofah's widow, Beatrice, will throw first pitch at pre-season exhibition against Atlanta Braves to be held as inaugural game at Foofah Grounds. Tickets go on sale in February - don't miss it! Free hot dogs for the "kids."

- Meatballer Beat Writer Orville Foo

Updated Stats and Award Predictions

Steven "Uncle Chubby" Christensen has the clear lead for the batting title.

(click for larger view)

Awards (As voted upon by 10 associated press writers)

MVP - Lauren Joh......hahahahaha. Steven "Don't call me obese" Christensen - 4 votes.
            Mandi - 3 votes
            Matt - 3 votes
            Larry - 1 vote
            Oscar - -14 votes

Odor - Steven - 10 votes plus one write-in ballot from President Obama

Fat - Steven - 10 votes plus 3 votes from the UMAA (United Mule Association of America)

Most Likely to End Season in Insane Asylum - Oscar - 9 votes
                                                                               Marc - 1 vote

Breast Size - Lauren - 10 votes plus 1 skid-marked pair of underwear 

Foreskin - Steven - 10 votes plus a bag of smegma

Somersault - Oscar - 10 votes

Most Likely to Attempt Aardvark Fornication - Jon - 11 votes

Most Likely to Swing Bat, Miss Ball, and Strike Umpire in Head Resulting in Death - Oscar - 10 votes

"The Rundown" and Subsequent Punishment

Last night, one of those special moments occurred. One of those moments that instantly changed the course of our planet forever, and may lead us into another ice-age, or possibly worse.

This moment is already being referred to by "those in the know" as "THE RUNDOWN."

A description of what occurred is not an easy subject to approach, as four fans died immediately after what they had seen; Marc Russo made in his underwear, and LF Kurt Aschermann screamed emphatically "SOMEONE JUST TAG HER SO WE CAN GO BACK TO THE DUGOUT" before sprinting hysterically into the unknown. In order to make this particular occurrence easier to understand, take a look at the photo below:

(Artists Rendering by Gregory Foo)

That artist's rendering is the best explanation you are going to get as a fan or player. To describe it in words, 3B Mandi Bearden ran down the third base line towards home but was unsuccessful in catching the opposing runner. Bearden tossed the ball to catcher Lauren Johnston, and after re-enacting the event based on media coverage, scientists have determined that when Johnston caught the ball her glove was 3 inches from the opposing players chest. However, instead of reach out ever so slightly to tag the player "out" and send us all on our jolly way, Johnston just stood there, did not attempt to move her lower body in any way, and cocked the ball in the air as to say "I'm ready to throw it!" All of this while watching the player retreat safely to third and inexplicably leading to the premature passing of four stunned Meatballer fans in the stands.

"My mom didn't deserve to go that way" - Little Bobby O'Hare

After conferring with the board, it has been decided that Johnston will be suspended for the remainder of the season, at which time she will be dishonorably discharged and ultimately put down.

We do not thank Lauren Johnston for her time or service, we only wish she leave immediately and without legal action.

- Beat Writer Orville Foo

Pregame message, 9/24/12

Meatballers, and also Steven -

1. Pregame walnuts will be provided. Limit 40 per person.
2. Professor Horace Bly is expected to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. Let's try to remember Mr. Bly was in the 1970s a respected member of society and that a person shouldn't be condemned for life for topless highway off-ramp juggling. Let's all act like adults, please.
3. Jon Scott's ankle socks will be auctioned off in the parking lot between games. The bidding starts at five peanut shells.
4. The game one opposing pitcher's name is going to be J.J. Pock whether we learn his real name or not.
5. I need at least one opposite field double.


thanks for your time and your efforts and the gas I siphoned from each of your cars.


- E. Shermer

Foo Riots, Escapes

Meatballer enthusiast Orville Foo, the "first true Meatballer season ticket holder," started rioting during the teams 9-8 defeat on Monday evening to Operation Crossfit.

Foo

 

Foo, originally from Australia, began seeming out of sorts after Kurt Aschermann's 4th ground out to the pitcher. After screaming obscenities at Aschermann, he ripped off his vintage number 81 Aschermann replica jersey and tossed it into the crowd. He then ran through the fence and towards left field, screaming and waving his arms in the air maniacally. Aschermann reacted quickly, climbing a lamp pole in the outfield and waiting out the attack. After trying to shake Aschermann down, Foo saw the authorities approaching and retreated into the woods. 

Whether or not Foo will be in attendance at the next game is up in the air at this point. 

The Throw: A Retrospective

Some are calling it "the throw that cured several previously-fatal diseases"; some are calling it Maurice Ribinawitz.

Some aren't returning phone calls.

But there's one thing the Meatballers softball team can all agree on: Jon Scott's throw home in the second game of Monday's doubleheader was the play of the century.

(Century still to be determined).

Artist's rendering by Julio Bly, May, 1983

Meatballers Lose 2; Stats and MVP Ballot Updated

Game 1: Loss to Operation Crossfit 9-8

Notes: Aschermann hits 4 balls a combined 8 feet, attacks second base umpire for "glaring" at him in LF, Russo strikes out swinging, starts screaming and running towards the parking lot (missing). Christensen "makes" on the mound, causing a 46 minute clean-up delay - receives a league warning. Lauren stinks.

Game 2: Loss to Lexis Nexis 6-4

Notes: Aschermann hits 3 balls a combined 14 feet, proclaims himself "leader of the Earth" and sprints into the woods. Scott makes the catch of the millenium at first. Christensen throws the ball into right field, then removes his shirt and does his patented "hippo jig."

Updated MVP Ballot:
(based on votes of 14 associated press writers)

Bearden, Mandi: 11 Votes
Stachler, Katie: 2 Votes
Christensen, Steven: 2 Votes
Russo, Marc: 1/2 Vote
Moses, Racheal: 1/2 Vote
Aschermann, Kurt: -2 Votes

Updated Stats:
(click for larger view)

Meatballers Website Relaunch

All,

This is Coach Meatsack. This site, while once a vital cog in American Society, had fallen on hard times. No more. This site will be back in action with occasional game recaps, nonsense from left fielder Oscar Rainbow, and even statistics. To prove this, I am supplying game one statistics below. Please feel free to send in any comments or story ideas you may have so that the "board" can convene and consider your requests.

(click on photos for larger view)

 - Staff Beat Writer Coach Meatsack

Letter to the Meatballers

First of all, I'd like to say thank you for the opportunity to play for your organization. I heard you guys almost won once in the 80s, and I'd like to be a part of a 2012 game that we almost win.

Secondly, I think we should all take some time to say goodbye to Greg, who wouldn't have wanted to go any other way, according to his autobiography I Wouldn't Want To Go Any Other Way (Get Me Inside A Hippo's Mouth).

Couple things I'd like to get out of the way:

1. I've rejected general manager/manager/potato advocate Mark Russo's contract offer of 4-years, $.08, and instead accepted a pile of gravel/month. I hope there isn't any jealously in the dugout because of my contract status. I'm just here to help the team begin ballgames.
2. Keep that Christensen youngster away from me. We don't see ear-to-ear because of a violent incident in '08, and I'd like to have a separate dressing room in the clubhouse just so there aren't any problems. Plus, he soiled his dungarees in 2004 and it single-handedly cost Canada the bronze medal. I, and the people of the province of British Columbia have, and never will, forgive him for that.
3. The game-ending triple play that manager Ruso "referred to" in his "press release" sent my "life" "spiraling" out of control. Just two months after the game, I married a piece of living room furniture, Ben Kong, but we bitterly divorced later in the year after an argument over a carpet sample. My other marriages/divorces were all fabricated to further my juggling career. I don't wish to speak any more on the issue.
4. I would like to patrol left field for your squadron, though I am able to pitch if needed. In my living room the other night, I tossed nine scoreless innings, using a variety of pitches, including my famous Arm Pit pitch.
5. Final thoughts on the roster:

* J. Scott - Has "morning odor"
* Louise Russo - After unimpressive career on the field, has officially been named pre-game watermelon tosser. I think she's finally where she belongs in the organization: behind the scenes and hidden from the sun.
* What's-his-name - Opinion coming, Winter, 2012

Finally, I'd like you all to welcome my personal assistant, Henrick, a canary who lives in my hair.


thank you again, and I look forward to our season opener, and then making up and excuse and missing our second game.

- O. Rainbow