New team forming

I'm starting a new team to compete with the Meatballers. Here are some of the advantages to being on my team, tentatively called Volleyball Team:

1. Everyone can pitch. And by that I mean everyone can pitch at the same time. Imagine 12 people pitching at once. The batter won't know what to do and we'll be unstoppable.
2. You can be in more than one spot in the batting order. Want to bat 1st and 6th, or feel like hitting 3rd, 8th and 10th? Done. With hundreds of fake names, hats and mustaches at my disposal, no one will know what's going on.
3. Pregame hotdogs are on me, literally. I'll have hot dogs glued to my shirt and pants before each game.


"It's time to join a softball team that works."

- Future pitcher/clean up hitter Lauren Johnston


I look forward to seeing you at our first practice, February 7 on Marc Russo's front lawn.


- Oscar Rainbow

Latest Stats and Award Predictions, Plus Game Awards for Yesterday

"The Sweaty Cheetah" Steven C. is still in the lead in most categories, but Matt "Supercrotch" Kovacik closed the gap after last evenings performance that critics are calling "okay."

Stats (Click for enlarged view)

Awards from yesterday's historic victory over Exide:

First hit since August, 1933 - Lauren "Don Cheadle" Johnston, C. (as folklore tells the story, Johnston murdered opposing second baseman Larry Guff after the hit, citing economical strain.)

Pick of the day: Skip Riso, SS. Ball hit 4000 MPH ends up in Riso's glove, left arm subsequently removed after game. 

Predicted groundout of the day: The Sweaty Cheetah. Accurately predicted Rainbow's groundout to first after being up 3-1 in the count. Won a sausage and pepper sandwich for his efforts.

Hit of the millenium: Matt "Crackhead" Kovacik with a roped triple. Kovacik spotted cleaning shart from his undergarments shortly after arriving at third base. (Alpharetta Tribune)

Best throw into center field: Sweaty Cheetah. Throw struck wild ostrich, Hank. Deceased.

Co-MVPs: Jon Scott and Matt Kovacik - each garnering 4 votes for their efforts.

Arnie the Hippo: N/A

Updated Season MVP Tally (out of 10 votes):

Steven The Sweaty Cheetah:  6 votes
Mandi: 2 votes
Crackhead: 1 vote
Johnston: -15 votes
Rainbow: 1/4 vote, complimentary of the local Taco Mac establishment
Jon Scott: .0008 vote
Arnie the Hippo: 5 votes

Post game notes: Mayor Reed of Atlanta, after phoning GM Skip Riso after the game, has granted a parcel of land in remote Cumming for the Meatballer's new stadium, Meatballer Stadium at Foofah Grounds, to be built and ready for start of next season. Stadium to be constructed on top of cemetary where original founding Meatballer, Bernie Foofah, was laid to rest in late 1951. Foofah'a remains to be exhumed and placed in the left field bleacher as a fan attraction. Foofah's widow, Beatrice, will throw first pitch at pre-season exhibition against Atlanta Braves to be held as inaugural game at Foofah Grounds. Tickets go on sale in February - don't miss it! Free hot dogs for the "kids."

- Meatballer Beat Writer Orville Foo

Updated Stats and Award Predictions

Steven "Uncle Chubby" Christensen has the clear lead for the batting title.

(click for larger view)

Awards (As voted upon by 10 associated press writers)

MVP - Lauren Joh......hahahahaha. Steven "Don't call me obese" Christensen - 4 votes.
            Mandi - 3 votes
            Matt - 3 votes
            Larry - 1 vote
            Oscar - -14 votes

Odor - Steven - 10 votes plus one write-in ballot from President Obama

Fat - Steven - 10 votes plus 3 votes from the UMAA (United Mule Association of America)

Most Likely to End Season in Insane Asylum - Oscar - 9 votes
                                                                               Marc - 1 vote

Breast Size - Lauren - 10 votes plus 1 skid-marked pair of underwear 

Foreskin - Steven - 10 votes plus a bag of smegma

Somersault - Oscar - 10 votes

Most Likely to Attempt Aardvark Fornication - Jon - 11 votes

Most Likely to Swing Bat, Miss Ball, and Strike Umpire in Head Resulting in Death - Oscar - 10 votes

"The Rundown" and Subsequent Punishment

Last night, one of those special moments occurred. One of those moments that instantly changed the course of our planet forever, and may lead us into another ice-age, or possibly worse.

This moment is already being referred to by "those in the know" as "THE RUNDOWN."

A description of what occurred is not an easy subject to approach, as four fans died immediately after what they had seen; Marc Russo made in his underwear, and LF Kurt Aschermann screamed emphatically "SOMEONE JUST TAG HER SO WE CAN GO BACK TO THE DUGOUT" before sprinting hysterically into the unknown. In order to make this particular occurrence easier to understand, take a look at the photo below:

(Artists Rendering by Gregory Foo)

That artist's rendering is the best explanation you are going to get as a fan or player. To describe it in words, 3B Mandi Bearden ran down the third base line towards home but was unsuccessful in catching the opposing runner. Bearden tossed the ball to catcher Lauren Johnston, and after re-enacting the event based on media coverage, scientists have determined that when Johnston caught the ball her glove was 3 inches from the opposing players chest. However, instead of reach out ever so slightly to tag the player "out" and send us all on our jolly way, Johnston just stood there, did not attempt to move her lower body in any way, and cocked the ball in the air as to say "I'm ready to throw it!" All of this while watching the player retreat safely to third and inexplicably leading to the premature passing of four stunned Meatballer fans in the stands.

"My mom didn't deserve to go that way" - Little Bobby O'Hare

After conferring with the board, it has been decided that Johnston will be suspended for the remainder of the season, at which time she will be dishonorably discharged and ultimately put down.

We do not thank Lauren Johnston for her time or service, we only wish she leave immediately and without legal action.

- Beat Writer Orville Foo

Pregame message, 9/24/12

Meatballers, and also Steven -

1. Pregame walnuts will be provided. Limit 40 per person.
2. Professor Horace Bly is expected to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. Let's try to remember Mr. Bly was in the 1970s a respected member of society and that a person shouldn't be condemned for life for topless highway off-ramp juggling. Let's all act like adults, please.
3. Jon Scott's ankle socks will be auctioned off in the parking lot between games. The bidding starts at five peanut shells.
4. The game one opposing pitcher's name is going to be J.J. Pock whether we learn his real name or not.
5. I need at least one opposite field double.


thanks for your time and your efforts and the gas I siphoned from each of your cars.


- E. Shermer

Foo Riots, Escapes

Meatballer enthusiast Orville Foo, the "first true Meatballer season ticket holder," started rioting during the teams 9-8 defeat on Monday evening to Operation Crossfit.

Foo

 

Foo, originally from Australia, began seeming out of sorts after Kurt Aschermann's 4th ground out to the pitcher. After screaming obscenities at Aschermann, he ripped off his vintage number 81 Aschermann replica jersey and tossed it into the crowd. He then ran through the fence and towards left field, screaming and waving his arms in the air maniacally. Aschermann reacted quickly, climbing a lamp pole in the outfield and waiting out the attack. After trying to shake Aschermann down, Foo saw the authorities approaching and retreated into the woods. 

Whether or not Foo will be in attendance at the next game is up in the air at this point. 

The Throw: A Retrospective

Some are calling it "the throw that cured several previously-fatal diseases"; some are calling it Maurice Ribinawitz.

Some aren't returning phone calls.

But there's one thing the Meatballers softball team can all agree on: Jon Scott's throw home in the second game of Monday's doubleheader was the play of the century.

(Century still to be determined).

Artist's rendering by Julio Bly, May, 1983